Goodbye, Goodbye Wanderer

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything.  A close friend of mine died about a month ago.  The cause of death is unknown–or at least not released to the public.  I have yet to talk to his parents about it.  My laryngitis has acted as a convenient buffer for me as I develop the nerve.

I recently asked a new friend of mine if it’s possible to kill a person with love?  I remember reading once something about that–that if a person doesn’t understand real love and is caught in its path before they are ready to receive it, that it can kill them.

My friend died on the 22nd of October, which was the day I posted the blog, Riding on Fumes of Faith.  I had written that post because I was feeling this strong dissonance within me until I finally heard the words within me speaking, “Riding on the Fumes of Faith,” and felt impressed to write that post.  At the time, it was nothing more than an idea for a post.  But now, as I begin to look back and connect the dots–nearly three weeks since I learned of his passing–I recognize how synchronistic the world we all reside within is.

As you can imagine, every day since I learned of my friend’s passing, I’ve kicked myself that I didn’t pick up the phone and call to check on him.  He was the one riding on the fumes of faith after all.

He had called me a few days before this on October 17th leaving a voicemail asking me about God and telling me that he didn’t know where to go or what to do.  You see, he’d just been released from a halfway house after serving 9 months in jail.  He had suffered with alcoholism for most of his adult life.  When it came to coping, alcohol was the only way he knew how.

When he first contacted me last July, he had asked me to help him with his addiction.  As I began to help him, he told me that it felt like a “Divine Intervention.”  His passing has been my own spiritual experience making me believe more than ever that something lies on the other side of death.

He and I were estranged when he passed.  I’d withdrawn from our relationship in August.   The writing was already on the wall that he planned to return to drinking and absent an alternate solution, I bid my farewell.

But, it doesn’t make it any easier.  I wanted to help him.  I wanted him to know love and feel love and freedom; I wanted him to get a second shot at life.  It’s why I’d urged him to face the warrants that had been out for his arrest from previous offenses so that he could stop hiding out in his house and finally live.

And I suppose this is what I’m struggling with the most now.  I cannot see how far my love stretches.  Does it reach the other side? I’ve also been plagued by doubting thoughts such as, “maybe I shouldn’t continue to blog?” and “maybe I’m not as developed as I once thought–I couldn’t save him.”

Right now, all I can feel is what his leaving has impressed upon my life and that is that I feel this deep sense of finality.  When something becomes final, there are no more edits or revisions we can do.  How the story ended is in ink. The last thing I said to him was, “Sometimes we try so hard to make something work and it just doesn’t work.  I can’t make you do what you don’t want to do.  I can’t fix you or change you either.  I can only love you and accept your choices and sometimes, accepting a choice means making my own choice.  I made the choice to walk away because I don’t want to be a participant in your self-destruction.  But it doesn’t mean it’s not hard for me, because it is.  It’s hard to watch you be confused and frustrated and not understand.  It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that you don’t know love and you are fighting to get what isn’t love and pushing away what is love.  It’s hard to come to terms with the truth that the only way you’ll ever know love; the only shot you’ve got at knowing love is for me to put one foot in front of the other and move farther and farther way.  It’s not easy to love, but it’s right.  And my hope is, one day, you will understand and on that day, you’ll become what I become to you.”

I keep re-reading old texts and emails he and I shared over and over, trying to come to terms with how greatly this experience has changed me.  Only after we give away love can we understand it and feel the overwhelming presence of it in our own lives.

My friend was a musician.  He once wrote a song for me called, Goodbye, Goodbye Kallie Blake.  (In my younger years, I was a model with the stage name, Kallie Blake).  I used to call him the Wanderer.  He once asked me what my favorite word was and I told him, wander.  He asked me why and I told him, ‘because only when we wander can we find what we’re looking for.”  I told him that he was a wanderer now and that in time he’d find what he was looking for and once he did, his whole life would change.

As Christmas approaches, I’m attempting to step out of the shock of this stupor so that I can enjoy the beautiful lights, music and spirit of the season, yet when I consider the truth that the very last day the Wanderer was home before all this began was on Christmas, it’s difficult.  His goodbye to me happened twenty years ago when we were just kids, far too young to know what love was, and he got a second shot. Knowing love, absent a second shot, I’m the one who struggles to say Goodbye, Goodbye, Wanderer.  And I guess today’s post is my first attempt at coming to terms with it.

Much Love,

Phoenix

 

 

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Phoenix Inspiring

Twelve years ago, my life was heading in a very different direction. I was directing a dance and gymnastics program that I built from the ground up which I was highly passionate about. Had my daughter not been diagnosed with autism, I would likely still be pursuing this career today. Because she was diagnosed with autism, my life has been forever changed. Along my parenting autism journey, I was gifted with what I came to understand as a spiritual awakening. It wasn’t something I went looking for, rather something that happened, and as a result, has endowed me with a wealth of knowledge and insights that I feel inspired to share with others.

39 thoughts on “Goodbye, Goodbye Wanderer”

  1. First…I’m sorry for your loss, truly. I know well my words will not aid in closure or explain the reason or motive you are sitting here today attempting to breath and you mistype. Still, like you, I feel a need to say something, even if it only steals a few moments way from your grief and confusion to read them.

    We diverge because of points of view on the perceptions here, as we never run out of faith, but we tend to run out of patients, especially with ourselves. I suspect that phrase may resonate so deeply because clearly you still care for this person and a blurred hindsight through cloudy eyes makes it easier to accept portions of blame far sooner than to accept any loss that affects our heart or bewildered mind. It’s really just human nature In my mind because we secretly know those who leave us, for whatever reasons, will always beyond our control, outside our power. It is really too easy to irrational rationalize why we are to blame in whole or part.

    Logic teaches us of finality while love teaches us of endurance despite the cost for the ride we may never wish to take. Love is never absence, it just may not be appearing to us in the preferred form we expect to find it.

    Logic also indicates that if one is willing to give and accept love predicated on its power, shouldn’t they by proxy also permit that same love to endure into the other side, another realm? If so, then loves endurance spans not only our lifetime but for everyone else’s lifetime and who ever they ever loved.

    To what harm is there to believe in that facet, that power of love? I- myself can not find it flawed and I- benefit from believing in such a love. How much more do others I interact with daily benefit from that outlook, who in turn extend it to others?

    Again. in my mind, I’m sure your friend felt and feels even now your love from your fogyish emotions, sentiments and yes…ink- spilled here on the pages. The humanistic tether of love between you two is forever and that same love hopes you’ll gently embrace that fidelity in your mind and heart.

    Goodbye is about closure only as to why because it may never be known to us. There is no reason to really ever say goodbye to them- when their presence remains deeply etched in our past, in our emotions, in our minds-and if we allow them to reside silently…in our hearts forever.

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    1. Thank you so much for saying this. It’s exactly how I’m feeling. I’m torn between the belief of the finality of physical death and the eternal infinity of love and life beyond the veil. This confusion only surfaced in me because of this event. Prior, I believed in my core in eternal life. And maybe then, my post about riding on fumes of faith was in part necessary for me as well. I know my healing will depend on settling this conflict in my heart. And maybe, whether true or not, it’s why so many cling to a heavenly belief. I have a new journey to take and I’m so very grateful for your beautifully elegant words spilled here. 🙏

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      1. In closing on the matter let me add… keep in mind, we are nurturers by nature like a fruit trees, if we were Gods wielding such grand power that could undue everything others did wrong, we would be in a constant implosion like ephemeral worm holes in the universe. Thereby defeating our natural ability and purpose to love or even live. hugs and praying for you my friend.

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      2. My gut tells me he committed suicide. If that’s true, he did so because he felt like a burden and that he was entirely unwanted. He’d come to me for help because he knew that he needed it. Early on, he even sent me the song, A Way Back Into Love by Hugh Grant and Haley Bennett whose lyrics pretty much sum up exactly what he was hoping for from our relationship. And, it’s what I was working to give him–a way back into love–because it’s what I could see he was without. It’s the root cause of what was leading him to drink. But, in the end, he didn’t feel my love, he didn’t trust it and that’s why he made the choice he did. He died believing that he was alone and when I read back those last words I spoke to him, I hate that I can’t go back and edit them and reword them in a way that says, “You’re loved, A LOT and it’s BECAUSE you’re loved so much, that I say these things. I want you to feel loved and free and I know that until love enters your heart, you won’t have what you need to win against this addiction.” I want the second chance to tell him that he was never a burden, always loved and always wanted. It’s the addictive behaviors that were not wanted. But I can’t. And for that I feel a sense of responsibility.

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      3. I don’t feel loved by you today so I think I will go rob a bank so as to buy you something to make you love me in a way I need to save, but if during that robbery I or others get killed, will you feel responsible? It is your loss seeking to claim something that doesn’t belong to you, its’ toxicism by proxy. Completely understandable. My second wife was an alcoholic/ drug abuser too and very narcissistic. I’ve never embraced the clinical approach to loved ones so I remained being…me. Today the scars I wear, I’m no longer ashamed of because I dared to…love. Even prior to her death in a rare moment of honesty she thanked me for being the person I always was and the parent who raised the children she couldn’t have herself. It was in those moments I all my pain, tears and suffering with her worth every step and broken heart ache. My point is, you can embrace the journey you shared for as long as it went or blame yourself for never being enough to save someone from themselves. Clearly you are intelligent enough to know the answers, when your loss permits its delivery.

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      4. My pleasure and your welcome. Purportedly, there are five stages of grief. I’ve never mastered them in all these years, My unsolicited advice is not to rush trying and I can be a an attentive listener if need be.
        Until next we chat…

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  2. Sorry for your loss. What you’ve written is profound. I respect the way you’ve handled yourself all the way through this tension. What I think that life is unfair, moments can either become memories or regrets. The only thing we are allowed to do is to believe that we won’t regret the choice we’ve made.

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  3. As i lay here in hospital after having suffered a mild stroke (again years ago) I’m contemplating what the future holds for me. I found your article an interesting read and in some way it cleared my thoughts. I’m sorry for your loss but some how, it has led me find you and your site. I’d to thank you for following my blog/website, muchly appreciated, I hope you enjoy reading my humble writings, and I’m from Geelong, Australia. Cheers. Ivor 🌏

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my goodness, Ivor! I’m so sorry you’re going through all that! Often times, it’s the challenges in our lives that lead to our personal growth. What do you want your future to be? Seek after it with open arms and an open heart and it will be yours! I look forward to enjoying more of your wonderful writings! Thank you! And take good care!

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  4. I strongly believe that the veil between this world and the next is only as divisive as we make it to be. Over the years I’ve lost friends and family yet I believe I can sense their presence from time to time. For me, the soul is like a spiritual ‘thumbprint’—each individual and recognizable to interior perception. So I would imagine your friend knows all about your thoughts and concerns. I think those on the other side feel a bit sorry for us because we’re so caught up in things, not fully realizing that we do go on… forever.

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  5. Phoenix, how my Heart just feels for you! It is GOOD that you are questioning yourself for only you holds the answers to your questions. Ride through the pain. See it for what it is and allow it to be the Teacher it is.

    Love can only be received by the person himself. You can send Love until you are blue in the face, but IF the Heart of the person you are sending Love to is not open to that Love, he will not receive. Yes it IS possible to send Love and feel Love from someone on the Other Side. It takes at times a deep meditative state but it is real and it does happen. My Mom passed a year ago last September and at times I crave to “feel” her Love so I deliberately connect with her.

    You are as advanced as you know you are. When the questions hit hard and leave you shaking and unsure, with chaos all around you, that is a sure sign New is coming your way but first the old that is no longer serving you must go. This is a process. It hurts. And at times you just don’t want it to BE. Yet if you stick with this Journey, when, and yes I am saying when, you come out into the Light at the end of that long and very dark tunnel, you will be changed and so so grateful you did not give up.

    Your friend gave you a Gift. See this as it is and use it to empower you. BIG (((HUGS)))!!! Amy

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Bless you for your condolences. My Mom is so missed by me yet her death was a huge catalyst which involved me breaking into a million pieces and then putting myself together again in a different way. I’m so much stronger now then I was and I’m more apt to speak my mind when I know “wrong” is being committed. My photography has gained a depth never before seen which puts me in awe of myself.

        I pray safety around you as you travel through the dark and the opening that heralds Light will be seen soon. But! None of us can rush the process. Know this to be Truth. 💝

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Concerning your dear friend. My condolences. Now to the truth of the matter, your truth. You did nothing wrong! You absolutely handled the situation appropriately and with unconditional love, as it should be. Here’s the thing with addict’s, and human beings in general… when you are in an act of loving service to others you can not work harder than their willing to for their sobriety, happiness, health, e.t.c. Sometimes we get enmeshed into wanting it so badly for them; this is when we need to realize that our egos are in play, instead of our heart centers. With you, I feel you had clear boundaries and knew when you had done what you could. It’s easy to blur the line and become an enabler, but you did not. As far as you wondering if there was anything else you could’ve done? This is your ego, which is coming from a fear and guilt base place, just release that into the universe, because in your heart you know that you acted from love, you withdrew yourself with love, meaning you were still energetically sending love to his situation and that’s all you can do, without causing yourself to be drawn into the negative drama that was his. Now I can assure you death is not final. He knows your love. Then,and now. Do not let this shake you, or leave you doubting yourself, the world needs people who help others. Every experience we have is a teachable moment and also a learning moment. Every person you help you should teach something and also learn something from. Meditate… shine the brightest purest most sacred light into your heart and sit there and feel it. For you have work to do. #LOVEANDLIGHTUNITE

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  7. I wanted to respond and also offer my support to you in your time of recovery and growth. You have had such wonderful responses already, there is not much more I can add. I agree that you acted appropriately with love so as not to enable your friend. That takes courage and you did it in a kind and loving way. He was on his own journey and in his passing he has given you a gift, which you are processing now. Absolutely, those on the other side can feel our love and are held in loving embrace as they recover from a life in the physical realm. He is free from the pain he felt towards the end of his time here and he will be given an opportunity to review his life without judgment, only for the purpose of self-knowledge.
    We cannot save everyone from themselves and the choices they make, and you intuitively knew that. Know that although you may feel his life was not as joyful as it could have been, he learned a lot from his life, from those ‘wrong’ choices and his soul will be more enlightened because of his experiences. As will you and your own personal growth. He would not want you to question yourself and your actions. Grief is necessary and healthy to experience and is a way of honoring those we lost. So honor his life with your grief, then give him gratitude for all that he taught you through his experiences while here upon this plane. Many blessings to you.

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  8. Praying for you. Grief is never easy, and it is such a difficult process sometimes, but it is a definite process needed, otherwise, it will suffocate us. Step by step, day by day, grace by grace is the only way to make it through. Praying you find peace, strength and joy again. … also, thank you so much for the recent follow.

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  9. Thank you so much for the willingness and courage to post this!! It is so hard when you lose someone that you have been close to. As hard as it is there is only so much you can do to help. So, short of having someone committed you cannot keep someone from harming themselves. I learned that when my brother intentionally OD’d. Please do not stop blogging!! We need your voice and insights in the WP community! And, besides, I just started following you?? LOL!
    Super post!!!
    xoxoxo

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  10. My heart breaks for the painful journey you are on, for I have been there. I have been there both in loss of relationship to those who choose their own way and in saying goodbye to a dear loved one. You’ve had so many wonderful responses here, I’m not going to pretend mine will bring healing, but I do hope it will bring a bit of comfort knowing you’re not alone.
    Sometimes, we must end a sweet but painful relationship before it destroys us or self destructs, and what happens at the end of that cannot be your responsibility; even though, the guilt and hunger for a different outcome still lingers, looking for a home to dwell. I pray you find the peace for which you are searching, and I pray as the days turn to nights and, once again, turn to morning, you find the sun will shine again. Psalm 126:5-6 💕 … ps. Thank you for the recent follow.

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